A few weeks ago, my daughter had a doctor’s appointment. Before the Doctor arrived, we did what people do while waiting in a confined space: chatting, looking at our phones, and making plans for the next part of our day.
Then, in walks the Doctor, a man we had never met before. The shift in the room was palatable. He only stayed for a few minutes before leaving us. After his exit, my daughter turned to my husband and me and said, “Wow, that was intense; I felt like he was looking into my soul.” You see, the Doctor was intense. He was intensely present with us, listening hard to what was said, our facial expressions, and our body language.
I gaze at my clients this way, so it was unnerving to have the roles switch on me, but insightful. I sometimes feel like my attention on someone is too much, and I divert my gaze purposely, offering them a bit of privacy in a moment.
The thing is, in that moment, we all felt cared for and important.
Listening this intently as we move through most of our day is impossible. It’s not practical, and it is emotionally and physically taxing. It takes a lot of energy, ask any mental health therapist.
However, it is a skill worth mastering. Shinning your light on your children facilitates limbic syncing, soothing their nervous system. It helps friends and romantic partners feel seen and heard…truly known. I believe it builds connection in the world at large. How often do we run through the grocery store, barely registering others? Next time you are at the checkout line, pause and be present with the clerk, ask how they are, and really listen. You may be surprised by how this simple shift changes your engagement with others.
Listening is an art that requires practice and mindfulness. Listening hard is essential to truly understand and connect with others—being completely engaged and present.
Here’s how to cultivate the art of listening:
Give Your Full Attention
In our fast-paced world, distractions are everywhere. When conversing, put away distractions like your phone or other devices. Maintain eye contact and show that you are fully focused on the speaker. Your body language should convey that you are attentive and interested in what they are saying. This simple act can make a huge difference in how valued and respected the other person feels.
Be Mindfully Present
Staying in the moment is vital to effective listening. Avoid thinking about your response while the other person is speaking. Mindful listening means being fully aware of the current conversation without letting your mind wander. This presence helps you truly understand the speaker’s message and emotions.
Reflect and Paraphrase
One of the best ways to show you’re listening is to reflect back what you hear. This can be done by paraphrasing the speaker’s words, such as saying, “It sounds like you’re saying…” or “What I’m hearing is…”. This not only shows that you are paying attention but also helps clarify any misunderstandings. It’s a way of confirming that you’ve accurately received the message.
Resist the Urge to Interrupt
Let the speaker finish their thoughts before you jump in. Interrupting can make them feel unheard and can disrupt the flow of conversation. Practice patience and wait for natural pauses to contribute.
I know, I know, you are afraid you will lose your thought. I have ADHD, too. I get it. As a recovering interrupter, I can say this is a bad habit worth overcoming. It disrupts the conversation flow, and the next time you indulge in cutting someone off mid-sentence, watch what happens to their energy.
This one takes practice. Don’t be too hard on yourself, especially if you are discussing something you are passionate about and with people you feel comfortable with. Once you catch yourself, say, “Sorry for interrupting,” and carry on.
Ask Follow-Up Questions
Show genuine interest by asking thoughtful follow-up questions based on what the speaker has shared. This shows that you are not only listening but also engaged and curious about their perspective. Questions like, “What happened after…?” or “How’d you feel when….?” encourage deeper conversation.
Empathize
Empathy is crucial in active listening. Try to understand the speaker’s emotions and viewpoint. Empathy involves putting yourself in their shoes and responding with compassion and understanding. Use phrases like, “That sounds rough” or “I can see why you feel like that.” This approach builds trust and connection.
Provide Feedback
Offer constructive and supportive feedback. Validate the speaker’s feelings and experiences by acknowledging their points and expressing your appreciation for their sharing. Feedback like, “I appreciate you telling me this,” or “Your perspective is really valuable,” reinforces that you’ve been actively listening and valuing their input.
Listening hard and being completely engaged and present foster deeper connections and meaningful conversations. Active listening is a learned skill and a powerful tool for building trust and understanding in any relationship. Whether in personal or professional settings, the effort it takes to listen well is always worth it.
Quite the small talk and ENGAGE in conversations that matter. Start listening hard today and see the difference it makes! 🌟 #ActiveListening #EngagedConversations #MeaningfulConnections #WomensHealth #TherapyTips #BeingPresent