Then, in walks the Doctor, a man we had never met before. The shift in the room was palatable. He only stayed for a few minutes before leaving us. After his exit, my daughter turned to my husband and me and said, “Wow, that was intense; I felt like he was looking into my soul.” You see, the Doctor was intense. He was intensely present with us, listening hard to what was said, our facial expressions, and our body language.

I gaze at my clients this way, so it was unnerving to have the roles switch on me, but insightful. I sometimes feel like my attention on someone is too much, and I divert my gaze purposely, offering them a bit of privacy in a moment.

The thing is, in that moment, we all felt cared for and important.

Listening this intently as we move through most of our day is impossible. It’s not practical, and it is emotionally and physically taxing. It takes a lot of energy,  ask any mental health therapist.

However, it is a skill worth mastering. Shinning your light on your children facilitates limbic syncing, soothing their nervous system. It helps friends and romantic partners feel seen and heard…truly known. I believe it builds connection in the world at large. How often do we run through the grocery store, barely registering others? Next time you are at the checkout line, pause and be present with the clerk, ask how they are, and really listen. You may be surprised by how this simple shift changes your engagement with others.

Listening is an art that requires practice and mindfulness. Listening hard is essential to truly understand and connect with others—being completely engaged and present.

Here’s how to cultivate the art of listening:

Give Your Full Attention

In our fast-paced world, distractions are everywhere. When conversing, put away distractions like your phone or other devices. Maintain eye contact and show that you are fully focused on the speaker. Your body language should convey that you are attentive and interested in what they are saying. This simple act can make a huge difference in how valued and respected the other person feels.

Be Mindfully Present

Staying in the moment is vital to effective listening. Avoid thinking about your response while the other person is speaking. Mindful listening means being fully aware of the current conversation without letting your mind wander. This presence helps you truly understand the speaker’s message and emotions.

Reflect and Paraphrase

One of the best ways to show you’re listening is to reflect back what you hear. This can be done by paraphrasing the speaker’s words, such as saying, “It sounds like you’re saying…” or “What I’m hearing is…”. This not only shows that you are paying attention but also helps clarify any misunderstandings. It’s a way of confirming that you’ve accurately received the message.

Resist the Urge to Interrupt

Let the speaker finish their thoughts before you jump in. Interrupting can make them feel unheard and can disrupt the flow of conversation. Practice patience and wait for natural pauses to contribute.

I know, I know, you are afraid you will lose your thought. I have ADHD, too. I get it. As a recovering interrupter, I can say this is a bad habit worth overcoming. It disrupts the conversation flow, and the next time you indulge in cutting someone off mid-sentence, watch what happens to their energy.

This one takes practice. Don’t be too hard on yourself, especially if you are discussing something you are passionate about and with people you feel comfortable with. Once you catch yourself, say, “Sorry for interrupting,” and carry on.

Ask Follow-Up Questions

Show genuine interest by asking thoughtful follow-up questions based on what the speaker has shared. This shows that you are not only listening but also engaged and curious about their perspective. Questions like, “What happened after…?” or “How’d you feel when….?” encourage deeper conversation.

Empathize

Empathy is crucial in active listening. Try to understand the speaker’s emotions and viewpoint. Empathy involves putting yourself in their shoes and responding with compassion and understanding. Use phrases like, “That sounds rough” or “I can see why you feel like that.” This approach builds trust and connection.

Provide Feedback

Offer constructive and supportive feedback. Validate the speaker’s feelings and experiences by acknowledging their points and expressing your appreciation for their sharing. Feedback like, “I appreciate you telling me this,” or “Your perspective is really valuable,” reinforces that you’ve been actively listening and valuing their input.

Listening hard and being completely engaged and present foster deeper connections and meaningful conversations. Active listening is a learned skill and a powerful tool for building trust and understanding in any relationship. Whether in personal or professional settings, the effort it takes to listen well is always worth it.

Quite the small talk and ENGAGE in conversations that matter. Start listening hard today and see the difference it makes! 🌟 #ActiveListening #EngagedConversations #MeaningfulConnections #WomensHealth #TherapyTips #BeingPresent

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I shared how these hormone shifts affect not only our physical bodies but also our emotional and mental bodies. As we talked, I could see the pieces clicking together for her, and she shifted even in those few moments from confusion and apathy to understanding and empowerment.

I specialize in supporting women through perimenopause, menopause, and other significant life transitions. That being the case, I spend many hours personally and professionally talking about the link between perimenopause and mental health. So many women do not understand how this major life transition affects their mental health and cognitive functioning. So, let’s discuss some of the basics.

What is Perimenopause?

Perimenopause is the time leading up to menopause, characterized by changes in menstrual cycles, hormone fluctuations, and various physical and emotional symptoms. It usually begins several years before menopause, as the ovaries gradually produce less estrogen. This phase ends one year after the final menstrual period.

Common Symptoms of Perimenopause

During perimenopause, women may experience:

• Irregular periods: Menstrual cycles may become shorter or longer, and flow may vary.
• Hot flashes and night sweats: Sudden feelings of heat and sweating, often disrupting sleep.
• Sleep disturbances: Difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or waking up too early.
• Mood changes: Increased irritability, anxiety, and depression.
• Cognitive changes: Memory issues and difficulty concentrating.
• Physical changes: Weight gain, changes in sexual desire, and vaginal dryness.

Mental Health and Perimenopause

The hormonal fluctuations during perimenopause can have a significant impact on mental health. According to the American Psychological Association here are some key aspects to consider:

Anxiety and Depression

Many women report increased anxiety and depression during perimenopause. The drop in estrogen levels can affect the brain’s regulation of mood, leading to heightened emotional sensitivity and vulnerability. This can manifest as persistent sadness, hopelessness, and loss of interest in daily activities.

Mood Swings

Rapid changes in hormone levels can lead to unpredictable mood swings. One moment you may feel fine, and the next, overwhelmed or irritable. These mood swings can strain personal relationships and daily functioning.

Cognitive Changes

Many women experience memory lapses and difficulty concentrating during perimenopause. These cognitive changes can be frustrating and may contribute to feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt.

Changes in Libido

Changes in hormone levels during perimenopause can also affect sexual desire. Many women experience a decrease in libido, which can be influenced by physical symptoms such as vaginal dryness or discomfort during intercourse, as well as psychological factors like relational conflict, stress, mood changes, and self-esteem issues​​.

Strategies for Managing Mental Health

• Seek Professional Help: If you’re struggling with anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues, consider speaking with a therapist who specializes in women’s health. Therapy can provide coping strategies, emotional support, and practical tools.
• Maintain a Healthy Lifestyle: Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and adequate sleep are crucial. Physical activity can boost mood and reduce anxiety, while a nutritious diet supports overall well-being.
• Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques: Practices such as yoga, meditation, and deep-breathing exercises can help manage stress and improve mental clarity.
• Social Support: Connect with friends, family, or support groups. Sharing your experiences with others going through similar transitions can provide comfort and understanding.
• Medical Interventions: Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) or other medications may be recommended to manage severe symptoms. To find a trained practitioner to support you through this transition, visit the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health (ISSWSH) directory. Dr. Bizzy Riley, a naturopathic doctor and founder of the Naturopathic Clinic of Issaquah, which specializes in Primary Care Naturopathic Medicine, recommended it to me.

It’s important to recognize when perimenopause symptoms are affecting your quality of life. If you experience persistent depression, anxiety, or cognitive issues, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Mental health is just as important as physical health, and addressing it can lead to a more fulfilling and balanced life.

Most of the women I treat suffer for years alone before seeking support, and all wish that they had taken action sooner. There is no need to suffer through physical and mental symptoms. I believe our generation will be the one to revolutionize menopause and what it means for us as vibrant, empowered women and all generations to come.

Conclusion

Perimenopause is a natural phase of life that brings significant changes. While it can be challenging, understanding the connection between menopause and mental health is the first step towards managing it effectively. My therapy practice is dedicated to supporting women through this transition with compassionate care and tailored therapeutic approaches. Reach out to learn more about how I can help you navigate this journey with confidence and resilience.

For further reading on easing the transition into menopause and understanding its psychological impacts, visit the American Psychological Association’s resources on easing the transition into menopause.

Visit the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health (ISSWSH) directory to find a trained practitioner to support you through this transition.

Dr. Bizzy Riley also recommended this book, “Estrogen Matters,” a foundation read for all women navigating this transition.

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Vergence is part of the broader Brainspotting framework, which combines eye movement patterns with vagus nerve activation, offering a holistic and targeted approach to addressing anxiety and panic attacks.

 Understanding Brainspotting Vergence and the Vagus Nerve:

Brainspotting Vergence builds upon the foundation of the original Brainspotting technique (see my What is Brainspotting blog), integrating principles of vergence, which is the simultaneous focus of both eyes near and far. This innovative approach goes beyond conventional therapies by incorporating the vagus nerve, a key player in the body’s relaxation response.

The Role of the Vagus Nerve:

The vagus nerve is part of the parasympathetic nervous system and regulates various bodily functions, including heart rate, digestion, and stress response. Activating the vagus nerve is associated with relaxation and calm, making it a powerful ally in trauma recovery.

The OCR and Eye Movements:

The six muscles responsible for holding the eyes in place, known as extraocular muscles or EOMs, play a central role in the Brainspotting Vergence process. These muscles hold nerve endings and are the source of the oculocardiac reflex or OCR (Grand, 2013). The OCR provides an immediate means of calming the body.

Linking OCR, Eye Movements, and Vagus Nerve Activation:

The OCR is triggered when you engage in specific eye movements, such as looking back and forth between two points—one close and one far. This back-and-forth movement activates the OCR and, subsequently, the vagus nerve. The interconnectedness of these physiological responses creates a powerful mechanism for easing distress.

How to Use Brainspotting Vergence and the Vagus Nerve Activation:

1. Select a reference point, like a pen, placed approximately six inches from your face.
2. Direct your gaze at the pen.
3. Next, shift your focus from the pen to a distant point located on the same plane. Your eyes will focus near and then far. Your eyes remain in the same position, only your focus shifts.
4. Alternate your gaze between the close and far points in a rhythmic pattern every few seconds.
5. Cycle your gaze back and forth for 1-5 minutes to activate the parasympathetic nervous system. You may want to set an alarm to ensure the correct duration.

Stop immediately if this is too stimulating or causes physical or emotional distress. As with all clinical modalities, the support of a trained practitioner is recommended.

Brainspotting Vergence is psychological first aid. When your other tools are not working, such as measured breathing, soothing self-talk, etc., vergence can help your nervous system relax and return to balance.

Let me support you. Schedule a free 20-minute consultation call today. Calendly link

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Holiday Melancholy: Finding Light in the Season

As we navigate the holiday season, many of us anticipate joy, warmth, and festivities. However, the holidays can bring about a complex mix of emotions, sometimes called the “holiday blues”. With my clients, I refer to it as melancholy, which can be sadness and pensiveness often mixed with a dose of bittersweetness. The women I work with sometimes feel overwhelmed, anxious, or lonely during these dark winter days.

The holiday blues can manifest in different ways, ranging from mild feelings of unease to more severe forms of depression. Some common factors contributing to these feelings include:

Loss and Grief:
The holidays can accentuate the absence of loved ones, particularly if they have passed away or are no longer a part of our lives. Grieving during a time traditionally associated with togetherness can intensify feelings of sadness and loneliness. The ache in our hearts doesn’t align with the cheer displayed in public or even on TV and socials.

Social Isolation:
Not everyone has a close-knit family or wrap-around friends. For those who feel isolated or disconnected, the emphasis on gatherings and social interactions during the holidays can be a stark reminder of their solitude.

Financial Strain:
The pressure to give and receive gifts, host gatherings, and engage in festive activities can lead to financial stress. The holidays may evoke anxiety and a sense of inadequacy.

Unmet Expectations:
The holidays often come with expectations of joy and merriment. When reality doesn’t align with these expectations, disappointment can lead to a sense of disillusionment.

Anticipatory Grief:
Even those who enjoy the festivities and gather together with loved ones often feel a sense of impending sadness. The family members depart, and the house that may have been filled with hustle and laughter for a few days is quiet once more. This may trigger feelings associated with empty nesting all over again.

What To Do About Melancholy

Don’t Push It Away or Bury It:
It’s important to recognize and own your emotions. Suppressing or denying feelings can make you feel worse. Allow yourself to feel and express whatever emotions arise. It is amazing how the energy around our emotions dissipates and is not so charged when we honor our feelings. Give yourself grace; simply offer yourself a bit of kindness. Nurture yourself and indulge in
simple pleasures.

Modify Expectations:
Adjust your expectations to align with your circumstances. Embrace simplicity and focus on the true essence of the holidays rather than societal expectations.

Create New Traditions:
Consider creating new ones if the usual holiday traditions add to your sadness. This could involve volunteering, traveling to unfamiliar places that are not loaded with memories of holidays past, exploring new activities, or spending time in nature.

Group Activities:
Mammals are social creatures. Studies have shown that synchronized group activities, such as yoga, choir, Tai Chi, and playing instruments together, reduce feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Reach Out for Support:
Don’t hesitate to share your feelings with friends, family, or a mental health professional. Talking about your emotions can provide relief and foster a sense of connection.

Increase Self-Care:
Take care of your physical and emotional well-being. Get enough rest, eat nutritious meals, engage in enjoyable activities, and incorporate relaxation techniques such as meditation or deep breathing.

Holiday melancholy is a common experience for many, and it’s crucial to approach this season with self-compassion and understanding. It’s okay not to feel festive all the time. By acknowledging your feelings, modifying expectations, and seeking support, you can navigate the wintertime holiday and find moments of joy and connection.

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The breath is essential to the medial woman, not just for the life it gives, but for the balance we seek; breath grounds us in being – bridging mind, body, and soul. 

“Being aware of your breath forces you into the present moment-the key to all inner transformation.” Eckart Tolle

There are different breathing practices. For example, I use Ujjayi breathing to lead me in my daily meditation practice—the restriction creating focus. Today, we will look at diaphragmatic breathing, which modulates the nervous, respiratory, brain, cardiovascular, and gastrointestinal systems, according to the journal Medicines.  

Using your diaphragm activates the vagus nerve. Stephen Porge’s Polyvagal Theory has made the vagus nerve a current superstar. The vagus nerve triggers the body’s relaxation or parasympathetic nervous system and decreases the body’s stress response or sympathetic nervous system. 

Diaphragmatic breathing is easy, fast, and effective

Diaphragmatic breathing is easy, fast, and effective for managing dysregulation, gut distress, depression, anxiety, lowering blood pressure and heart rate, decreasing cortisol (stress hormone) levels in the body, and easing panic attacks.

Diaphragmatic breathing, also known as belly breathing or deep breathing, is a breathing technique that involves the contraction and relaxation of the diaphragm muscle. The diaphragm is a dome-shaped muscle located at the base of the lungs and plays a crucial role in breathing.

During diaphragmatic breathing, the diaphragm muscle contracts, pulling downward and expanding the lungs to allow more air to enter. This causes the belly to expand outward as the lungs fill with air. When exhaling, the diaphragm muscle relaxes, moving upward and pushing air out of the lungs. This causes the belly to deflate as the air is released.

Diaphragmatic breathing is considered to be a more efficient and effective way of breathing compared to shallow breathing, which involves breathing primarily from the chest. 

To practice diaphragmatic breathing, find a quiet and comfortable place to sit or lie down. Place one hand on your chest and the other on your belly. Inhale slowly through your nose, filling your belly with air and allowing your chest to remain still. Exhale slowly through your mouth, allowing your belly to deflate. Repeat this process for several minutes, focusing on the sensation of the air moving in and out of your body.

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Empathy is the ability to understand and feel the emotions of others as if they were your own. Empaths have a heightened sensitivity to the emotions of others, which allows us to experience others’ feelings and respond accordingly. However, empathy can also be overwhelming and draining, especially when you are surrounded by intense emotions or trauma.

Conversely, compassion is the ability to feel concerned and care for others without taking on their emotions directly. Compassion allows you to connect with people deeply and show kindness and understanding, even when you don’t fully embody their experiences.

I find that cultivating compassion is healthier for empaths. It enables you to be in the world and interact with people while maintaining a clear boundary between you and others. Often, empaths isolate themselves to limit their exposure to others’ feelings. As a result of your sensitivity, you can feel flooded and bombarded. Within personal relationships, empaths often try to control situations and people please because when “everyone is happy,” the empath feels better. This can lead to exhaustion and shaky boundaries.

Both empathy and compassion are essential for building deeper connections and creating a more empathetic and compassionate world. However, for individuals who are highly sensitive to others’ emotions, cultivating compassion can be a healthier approach to caring for others while maintaining clear boundaries. By recognizing the difference between empathy and compassion and learning to develop both, we can build more meaningful relationships and create a more compassionate world.

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One of the most common unconscious blocks that affect financial success is limiting beliefs. These beliefs, often rooted in past experiences and negative self-talk, can create a mental roadblock to financial growth. For example, someone with a limiting belief that they will never be able to save enough money may find themselves unconsciously avoiding financial planning or decision-making. This limiting belief can prevent individuals from pursuing their financial goals and lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Fear of failure or success is another unconscious block that can negatively impact an individual’s financial journey. Fear can prevent individuals from taking action or making necessary changes in their financial lives, leading to missed opportunities and a lack of progress. This fear can sometimes stem from past experiences or a negative self-image, and it can be difficult to overcome without support.

Past traumas or experiences related to money can also create unconscious blocks that impact an individual’s current financial mindset and behavior. For example, someone who experienced financial hardship in their childhood may unconsciously avoid budgeting or saving, even if they have the means to do so. Overcoming these unconscious blocks may require therapy or professional support.

Finally, resistance to change can also be a significant roadblock to financial success. Clinging to limiting financial habits and beliefs can cause individuals to avoid new opportunities or make necessary changes, leading to stagnation in their financial journey. Identifying these unconscious blocks and working to overcome them is important to achieve financial success.

Recognizing and overcoming unconscious blocks is critical for financial success. By understanding the different types of blocks and how they can impact financial success, individuals can take steps to overcome them and achieve their financial goals. Seeking support can be a valuable tool in working through these challenges and unlocking financial growth.

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When I work with women to resolve money blocks, whether conscious or unconscious it is very often associated with their deeply held beliefs about their worth which has most often been assigned by someone other than themselves either overtly or covertly. Sometimes we are able to find a specific event that created this limiting belief and often it is a series of small moments collected over a lifetime.

I myself, had learning disabilities as a child and was once told that I was stupid by my a teacher; my high-school guidance counselor told me I was “not college material.” Many of us discount these small moments and do not understand their impact on our internal beliefs until much later in life.

The good news is that it is possible to heal and release your money blocks. Be patient with yourself. Healing takes time, so be kind to yourself as you go through the process. Allow yourself to feel all of your emotions, good and bad. And don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. The most important thing is that you keep moving forward, one day at a time.

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