As we approach move-in week and our hallways and front-door spaces begin to pile up with boxes and blue bags, I find myself wanting to share a bit about homesickness in hopes that it might help.
I have a senior at Cal Poly and an incoming freshman, so we are getting ready too. This time, though, my husband and I will officially become empty nesters or “bird launchers,” as I prefer.
The first launch was hard…this one feels harder.
A few years ago, I wrote about homesickness when my oldest left for college. As I think about doing this again, there is one conversation I really encourage parents to have with their kids before they leave:
Talk to them about homesickness before they are homesick.
Let them know that they may feel anxious, unsettled, lonely, angsty, or experience an intense longing for home sometimes. They may miss you, their siblings, their pets, their bed, their friends, the food in their own fridge, their routines, or simply the feeling of being somewhere where they are known.
And tell them that those feelings are normal.
Homesickness Doesn’t Mean Something Is Wrong
It does not mean they aren’t ready.
It does not mean everyone else is adjusting better than they are.
And it does not mean they should come home.
You can be incredibly excited about where you are and still desperately miss home. Both things can be true at the same time. As I often remind my patients, sometimes it’s not an either/or – it’s an AND.
So, how do we help them prepare?
That stomachache, hurting heart, anxiety, restlessness, or sudden urge to come home may be more than simply “missing home.” Homesickness can also involve nervous system dysregulation. For most of their lives, our kids have been surrounded by familiar people, places, routines, sounds, smells, pets, foods, and rhythms. Those things are more than comforts…they become regulatory and co-regulatory cues associated with safety, connection, and belonging.
Then, almost overnight, those cues disappear. They are sleeping in a different bed, sharing space with unfamiliar people, navigating a new campus, eating different food, managing a new schedule, meeting hundreds of new people, and functioning without many of the relationships and routines that have helped regulate and ground them throughout their lives.
In that sense, homesickness may be understood as the nervous system responding to the sudden loss of those familiar cues. Your student isn’t simply missing a location called home. They are missing an entire network of people, relationships, routines, sensory experiences, and familiar rhythms through which their nervous system has learned: This is where I belong. This is where I am safe. Now their nervous system has to begin building familiarity, connection, and a sense of belonging in a completely new environment.
For some students, that transition may show up as anxiety, irritability, restlessness, difficulty sleeping, inability to eat, tearfulness, or an almost physical ache to go home. Others may feel flat, withdrawn, exhausted, or want to stay in their room.
This is one reason I think it is so important to normalize homesickness before they experience it. When the feelings show up unexpectedly, it is easy to interpret the feeling as information: “I feel awful. Maybe I chose the wrong school. Maybe I shouldn’t be here.” Instead, we can help them understand: “My nervous system is adjusting to a lot of change. I miss what is known. I can feel this way and still be okay here.”
This is why creating new connections, routines, and familiarity matters.
Some kids will settle in quickly, finding new sources of connection and comfort in roommates, friends, classmates, professors, clubs, teams, or other communities. Others may take longer. Neither is doing it wrong.
This is where I think we can encourage them to be proactive rather than waiting until they are miserable. Group activities can be especially helpful, as synchronized activities regulate the nervous system. Things like sports, yoga, singing, dancing, or shared meals. But we will take anything that gets them out of their room and connected with other people. These things aren’t simply distractions from homesickness. They are helping the nervous system establish new rhythms, new relationships, and new cues of safety and belonging.
I know incoming students keep hearing, “Get involved,” but from a homesickness perspective, it is imperative. They need some structure to their days. They need opportunities to develop new relationships. And it helps if they begin to notice their own homesickness patterns. Maybe Sunday evenings are hard or Friday night because that was always family dinner night. Maybe it hits after talking to their sibling or seeing their dog on FaceTime. Once they recognize those patterns, they can plan for them. Maybe Sunday evening becomes dinner with friends, a study group, a workout class, or a beach sunset with people they are getting to know.
And don’t forget the foundation of stable mental health: sleep, nutrition, and exercise. When those fall apart, everything gets harder.
If homesickness becomes overwhelming or they are struggling to function, encourage them to reach out for support. Campus mental health services are easy and accessible.
As the parent, we want to make homesickness disappear, but it doesn’t work that way. We can remind them that they can miss home and still stay. They can feel uncomfortable and still be okay. They can love us deeply and still build a life somewhere else.
Over the next few weeks, I’ll be writing more about homesickness: why it sometimes shows up at predictable times, what can help when your student calls home hurting, and the part we do not talk about nearly enough—what happens when parents are homesick too.
May your parent heart be peaceful. ❤️